Miss Bholi Deko Kya Boli?

Master Chintu (Star correspondent of 'Voice Notes') was damn nervous, he had never interviewed any beggar before. The moment he saw Bholi Banjaran a.k.a BB (Beggars Association of India [B.A.I], Spokesperson and Head of Delhi Region).

Out of nervousness Master Chintu asked:

Chintu: I am sure you don't beg?

BB: I do, I mean, I don't, at times I do. Actually I 'teach'.

Chintu: Please tell me, what exactly do you mean by teaching?

BB: You see the 'field artists'. I mean the beggars, come from all parts of India and are of different age groups. We rarely get artist with prior work experience. So they are taught how to act, gain empathy etc. They undergo training from experts like me, I basically write the script(s) and teach them how to deliver it. They step into the field only after passing 'The Bhegar Test'. Then according to their result, zone as well the specific red lights are allotted.

Chintu: I have heard that innocent people are made handicapped and are forced to beg?
BB: I can not comment over it. Sorry!

Chintu: You seem to be well versed in English?

BB: I am a computer science engineer.

Chintu: Which College?

BB: Shanta Ram Bhola Ram!

Chintu: Ok! (a moment of silence) So, you Shifted your career?

BB: There were no college placements due to recession plus there are very limited options. IT sector is not for people, who want to grow and earn money in life. I always wanted to do something challenging in life. So here I am.

Chintu: Ok! (a longer silence) You find growth in begging?

BB: Certainly Yes! I started my career as field artist then Team Leader, after that I started handling all the signal operations and Now after 3 years I am handling all the human resource, planning and strategizing. Basically I am handling the entire Delhi region. I can not tell you how challenging our industry is. We deal with Police, Politicians, Dealers, there are so many. Basically you work with the system as well as against the system

Chintu: Money?

BB: Just don't ask about it. Currently begging industry is facing its all time low but according to my seniors  there was a time when B.A.I had billions of dollars in its Swiss bank account.

Chintu: What are the reasons for this all time low?

BB: There are n number of reasons like Media, NGOs, Lack of government support, police interference in our human resource team but these are not the major causes. They were always there. 

Chintu: Then what is the major cause for downfall of the billion dollar begging industry?

BB: Honking!

Chintu: Honking?

BB: Yes, it is a pain in ass. By god honking has fucked our profession.
Chintu: Please tell us how exactly honking affected your profession?

BB: Basically the we work on a C TO B business model i.e. Consumer to Business. Now honking affects both the sides, our potential clients as well as the field artist.

Chintu: How does your clients get affected? 

BB: Before that you will have to understand the functioning of field artist of B.A.I. There are few stages:

Stage 1: All the artist align themselves at strategic locations just before the signal turns Red.
Stage 2: Instructions are sent from the signal coordinator's (who monitor the entire red light via CCTV cameras.) to the artists, 

Stage 3: Signal coordinators assign clients to respective beggars.

So honking disrupts the communication between the beggars ans coordinators.
Chintu: Do you have any plans to control honking?
BB: Yes! This is the sole reason for me to come over here and give this interview.

This is the list of punishments B.A.I intend to enforce in the coming months. Please read the article 'Horn OK Please' to know about the funniest ways of tackling a serious problem.

Keep Reading!

Shubham Gune

Horn OK Please!

Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction and is meant only for entertainment. Do not take it seriously. Doing so might be injurious to your mental health.

Honking is frustrating. It has been pissing Indian people since 'Maruti 800' started running on empty roads. It has caused more damage than accidents. It owns credit to many relationship failures and broken ribs. We must not forget to acknowledge this 'kind act' for making people deaf. It has snatched the right to breathe from many people lying on the hospital bed. It has stabbed the piece of mind people had in the times of bicycle.

Apart from robbing the peace of our roads. It has also started creating large scale unemployment now. Yes! unemployment, Can you guess the name of the industry worst hit by 'Horn Ok Please'? It is our dear 'Begging Industry' harmless to the citizens yet prominent and self sustaining. In an interview with Master Chintu, star corespondent of Voice Notes. Miss Bholi Banjaran, Beggars Association of India (B.A.I), Spokesperson and Head of Delhi Region said

"I condemn Honking and I keep it in the list of most atrocious acts. It has not just irritated us but affected our profession. We have lost many of dear employees to ENT specialist. Honking basically disturbs the functioning of the begging systems, which results into lack of revenue generation leading to cost cutting and unemployment.

When interrupted and asked, How honking actually affects them? She said.

"Honking disturbs the field artists (employees/beggars). They loose focus and have great difficulties in finding their prey. It spoils the mood of their potential clients. Honking is not good for generous people, even great philanthropist tend to loose their generosity. At times noise levels are so high that it becomes practically impossible to communicate. Poor beggars fail to gain the empathy and their performance is immensely deteriorated. If present trends continue then B.A.I. might have to shut down their multi-million dollar business."

In an attempt to save their dying baby. B.A.I has proposed a series of 4 punishments to eradicate the menace of honking. They want intelligent sensors (capable of doing anything and everything) to be installed in all the vehicles which will work under the command of the B.A.I's senior officials.

1. Equal & Opposite: It is solely based on Newton's third law of motion i.e. every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The entire amount of unnecessary noise created by a vehicle will be diverted directly into the ears of its creator.
2. Wet it: Wherein the pants/lowers of the offender will be made wet with a special kind of distilled water which will take atleast 3 hours to vanish from the pants completely. 
3. Heavenly perfume: A perfume made up of odor from worst farts and shit will be sprinkled over the offender and his nostrils will be put to a test for 6 hours.
   #As our Hindi Movies have taught us. A villain never gets more than 3 chances. B.A.I has devised the fourth punishment in such a way that it will trouble the fool till he begs to fall in line.
4. Suck it: Intelligent sensors will be ordered to snatch all the money and empty the fuel tank every time an offender crosses a red light. This punishment will continue as long as the offender can afford it. In order to get rid of this deadly spell. The person will have to submit a written apology in the regional office of B.A.I. He will have to serve the B.A.I for 7 days along with other beggars, to complete his/her punishment.
   
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   This article might not stop Honking but cautious efforts and creating awareness will. Lets pledge to empathize and honk sensibly. Kindly comment and share the article. It will motivate me to continue my journey.
   
   Keep Reading!
   Shubham Gune