Monday, May 19, 2014

Miss Bholi Deko Kya Boli?

Master Chintu (Star correspondent of 'Voice Notes') was damn nervous, he had never interviewed any beggar before. The moment he saw Bholi Banjaran a.k.a BB (Beggars Association of India [B.A.I], Spokesperson and Head of Delhi Region).

Out of nervousness Master Chintu asked:

I am sure you don't beg?
BB: I do, I mean, I don't, at times I do. Actually I 'teach'.
Chintu: Please tell me, what exactly do you mean by teaching?
BB: You see the 'field artists'. I mean the beggars, come from all parts of India and are of different age groups. We rarely get artist with prior work experience. So they are taught how to act, gain empathy etc. They undergo training from experts like me, I basically write the script(s) and teach them how to deliver it. They step into the field only after passing 'The Bhegar Test'. Then according to their result, zone as well the specific red lights are allotted.

Chintu: I have heard that innocent people are made handicapped and are forced to beg?
BB: I can not comment over it. Sorry!
Chintu: You seem to be well versed in English?
BB: I am a computer science engineer.
Chintu: Which College?
BB: Shanta Ram Bhola Ram!
Chintu: Ok! (a moment of silence) So, you Shifted your career?
BB: There were no college placements due to recession plus there are very limited options. IT sector is not for people, who want to grow and earn money in life. I always wanted to do something challenging in life. So here I am.
Chintu: Ok! (a longer silence) You find growth in begging?

BB: Certainly Yes! I started my career as field artist then Team Leader, after that I started handling all the signal operations and Now after 3 years I am handling all the human resource, planning and strategizing. Basically I am handling the entire Delhi region. I can not tell you how challenging our industry is. We deal with Police, Politicians, Dealers, there are so many. Basically you work with the system as well as against the system
Chintu: Money?
BB: Just don't ask about it. Currently begging industry is facing its all time low but according to my seniors  there was a time when B.A.I had billions of dollars in its Swiss bank account.
Chintu: What are the reasons for this all time low?
BB: There are n number of reasons like Media, NGOs, Lack of government support, police interference in our human resource team but these are not the major causes. They were always there. 
Chintu: Then what is the major cause for downfall of the billion dollar begging industry?
BB: Honking!
Chintu: Honking?
BB: Yes, it is a pain in ass. By god honking has fucked our profession.
Chintu: Please tell us how exactly honking affected your profession?
BB: Basically the we work on a C TO B business model i.e. Consumer to Business. Now honking affects both the sides, our potential clients as well as the field artist.
Chintu: How does your clients get affected? 
BB: Before that you will have to understand the functioning of field artist of B.A.I. There are few stages:
Stage 1: All the artist align themselves at strategic locations just before the signal turns Red.
Stage 2: Instructions are sent from the signal coordinator's (who monitor the entire red light via CCTV cameras.) to the artists, 
Stage 3: Signal coordinators assign clients to respective beggars.
So honking disrupts the communication between the beggars ans coordinators.
Chintu: Do you have any plans to control honking?
BB: Yes! This is the sole reason for me to come over here and give this interview.

This is the list of punishments B.A.I intend to enforce in the coming months. Please read the article 'Horn OK Please' to know about the funniest ways of tackling a serious problem.

Keep Reading!

Shubham Gune

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Horn OK Please!

Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction and is meant only for entertainment. Do not take it seriously. Doing so might be injurious to your mental health.

Honking is frustrating. It has been pissing Indian people since 'Maruti 800' started running on empty roads. It has caused more damage than accidents. It owns credit to many relationship failures and broken ribs. We must not forget to acknowledge this 'kind act' for making people deaf. It has snatched the right to breathe from many people lying on the hospital bed. It has stabbed the piece of mind people had in the times of bicycle.

Apart from robbing the peace of our roads. It has also started creating large scale unemployment now. Yes! unemployment, Can you guess the name of the industry worst hit by 'Horn Ok Please'? It is our dear 'Begging Industry' harmless to the citizens yet prominent and self sustaining. In an interview with Master Chintu, star corespondent of Voice Notes. Miss Bholi Banjaran, Beggars Association of India (B.A.I), Spokesperson and Head of Delhi Region said
"I condemn Honking and I keep it in the list of most atrocious acts. It has not just irritated us but affected our profession. We have lost many of dear employees to ENT specialist. Honking basically disturbs the functioning of the begging systems, which results into lack of revenue generation leading to cost cutting and unemployment.
When interrupted and asked, How honking actually affects them? She said.
"Honking disturbs the field artists (employees/beggars). They loose focus and have great difficulties in finding their prey. It spoils the mood of their potential clients. Honking is not good for generous people, even great philanthropist tend to loose their generosity. At times noise levels are so high that it becomes practically impossible to communicate. Poor beggars fail to gain the empathy and their performance is immensely deteriorated. If present trends continue then B.A.I. might have to shut down their multi-million dollar business."

In an attempt to save their dying baby. B.A.I has proposed a series of 4 punishments to eradicate the menace of honking. They want intelligent sensors (capable of doing anything and everything) to be installed in all the vehicles which will work under the command of the B.A.I's senior officials.
  1. Equal & Opposite: It is solely based on Newton's third law of motion i.e. every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The entire amount of unnecessary noise created by a vehicle will be diverted directly into the ears of its creator.
  2. Wet it: Wherein the pants/lowers of the offender will be made wet with a special kind of distilled water which will take atleast 3 hours to vanish from the pants completely. 
  3. Heavenly perfume: A perfume made up of odor from worst farts and shit will be sprinkled over the offender and his nostrils will be put to a test for 6 hours.
    #As our Hindi Movies have taught us. A villain never gets more than 3 chances. B.A.I has devised the fourth punishment in such a way that it will trouble the fool till he begs to fall in line.
  4. Suck it: Intelligent sensors will be ordered to snatch all the money and empty the fuel tank every time an offender crosses a red light. This punishment will continue as long as the offender can afford it. In order to get rid of this deadly spell. The person will have to submit a written apology in the regional office of B.A.I. He will have to serve the B.A.I for 7 days along with other beggars, to complete his/her punishment.


    This article might not stop Honking but cautious efforts and creating awareness will. Lets pledge to empathize and honk sensibly. Kindly comment and share the article. It will motivate me to continue my journey.

    Keep Reading!
    Shubham Gune

Monday, May 12, 2014

Dhapolshankh's Daughter

Dhapolshankh Chaturvedi's only girl, currently studying in an Engineering College got pregnant a few days back. Mr. Dhapolshankh learnt about it yesterday. He got angry over his innocent daughter not because she had sex. He is a man of progressive thoughts. He was disappointed that her daughter indulged in unprotected sex. When he asked his daughter, what was the reason for not buying a condom. Her daughter surprised him with this reply.

She said "Baba earlier we always used them but whenever either of us used to buy them. The medical store employees used to stare and pass filthy comments. We tried shifting from one shop to other, but we faced the same response. Once a shopkeeper called me a slut and told me that he might call the police, if I dare to come to his shop again. After this incident we stopped using condoms".

Mr. Dhapolshankh had no words in response.

Thank You,
Shubham Gune

How to Use a Condom Effectively

Disclaimer: Please do not read the article if you believe in morals of our hypocrite society. Please don't read if you consider the word CONDOM is filthy. Please do not read if you feel it is not decent to talk about SEX and CONDOM in public. Please do not read if you think article like these are harmful for our morally correct society. For those of you who believe that we must speak and break these foolish ideology. Please share the article (or better write something of your own regarding these sort of issues) so that atleast a handful of people read the word condom for healthy number of times and it might help them come over the fear and hesitation of SEX & CONDOM.

Chief executive officer of 'Hara Bhara Kan dome' has come with 10 amazing uses of condom:
  1. Jalebi Maker: If you are a person with a sweet tooth. then a Jalebi can surely make you smile. Condom can efficiently help you in making tasty Jalebi's.  wash the condom once and fill it with the stuff.
  2. Pillow: Condom has an excellent property to accommodate large volumes of air inside it. This property can be used in real life. We can make brilliant pillows by filling air into the condom. These pillows will be of great help to travelers.
  3. Wallet: If you don't have a wallet need not to worry. Condoms can be used as alternative to a Wallet. You can keep your cards, money etc in it. 
  4. Hand Gloves: Insert your hand in a condom and it will serve you as a Hand Glove. It will keep dust and oily stuff away from your hands.
  5. Punching Bag: If you feel like punching someone. In that scenario, you just require nothing but a condom. Fill it with air. You may paste a photograph of your boss or ex partner or some other person  and punch them as much as you want.
  6. Grip: If the grip of your cricket bat or bike wears off. Then a pair of dotted condoms can save you.
  7. Rain protector: During rains a huge population of mobile phones dies. You can save them. Mobile phones, cigarettes etc can be saved from rainwater by putting them into a condom.
  8. Hat: A condom can help you in dressing up for a theme party. You can make wonderful hats from condom by filling air into it. 
  9. Balloon:  From decoration to making a kid laugh. it has all the solution. Balloons can be made from condoms. They are of bigger size, lasts long and are readily available.
  10. Weapon to Punish an Eve Teaser: A powerful weapon can be made with the help of a condom. All you need to do is pack a condom with Lal Mirch Powder (Red Chili Pepper) and make a hole at the tip of it. Now whenever you encounter someone miss behaving, just go close to the evil and blow air into the weapon. The offender will surely get a lesson. 

P.S. You are free to judge me and pass any comment. I do not care. I will not refrain myself from writing what is to be said..

Thank You,
Shubham Gune 

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Our GOD created the universe and all life

Islam, Christianity and Hinduism are one of the top three religion of the world. All of them contradict each other in many ways. Primarily they say:

'Our GOD created the universe and all life' 

Now if we do a rational analysis of the above statement (which is present in the holy books of the aforementioned religions and in other religions too) we can have three possibilities:

1. Only one of the holy text is honest hence the associated god is the only god while rest of them are liars.

2. All of the religious and holy text(s) are false which reveals the falsehood of the entire concept of god.

3. Though this is a rare possibility but we must not exclude any. There are chances that all god of the world were part of a team who created everything. After the hardwork of billions of years they fought over leadership issues and created their respective religions.

I believe that science has answers for all these questions. We need not to take shelter of religion or god for anything. As they say "The lack of understanding of something is not evidence for god. It's evidence of a lack of understanding.

P.S. Only three religions were considered for the sake of simplicity.

Thank You,
Shubham Gune

Monday, May 5, 2014

गेस्ट हाउस

गेस्ट हाउस और दफ्तर के ठीक बीचों-बीच है धीरज भैया की चाय की दूकान। धीरज भैया और ध्रुव की अच्छी मित्रता है। उनके पास बताने के लिए हर समय कोई न कोई किस्सा अवश्या होता है। कल वाले किस्से ने ध्रुव को विचलित कर दिया। किस्सा बताने से पहेले, गेस्टहाउस और उसके मालीक के परिवार का वर्णन करना ज़रूरी है। चार मंजिला आलिशान गेस्टहाउस के मालिक बहुत ही बुद्धिजीवि परिवारों में से एक मानें जाते है। मिस्टर गोडबोले अपने समय में जज थे और मीसिज़ गोडबोले डॉक्टर है। उनके दो बच्चे थे। एक लड़की और एक लड़का, उन दोनों ने ही डॉक्टर बनने की तालीम ली। अब हुआ यह की आज से आठ-नौ साल पहेले जब अनीता (गोडबोले फॅमिली की होनहार बेटी) ने म.बी.बी.स. की पढाई पूरी करली तब उसने अपने कॉलेज के एक टीचर 'डॉक्टर इमरान' से शादी करने का प्रस्ताव अपने घर पर रखा। माता-पिता को यह बात बिलकुल भी जमी नहीं। उन्होंने अपनी बेटी को दो बातें समझाने का प्रयतन किया। पहली, वो मुसलमान है। दूसरा वो एक बेहद गरीब घर से है। उनकी लड़की ना मानी तो उन्होंने दुसरे हथकंडे अपना लिए। लड़की को घर में बंद किया और इमरान को ना ना प्रकार की धमकियाँ दी। जब किसी भी तरह बात नहीं बनी तो उन्होंने कुछ विशेष करने का मन बना लिया। उन्होंने ने अपनी लड़की से कहा की वे शादी के लिए तैयार है और वे लड़के वालों से जल्द से जल्द मिलना चाहेंगे। अमुक अमुक दिनांक को लड़के के घर जाने की बात तय हो गयी। इमरान और अनीता बेहद खुश थे क्योंकि कुछ ही घंटों बाद दोनों परिवार मिलने वाले थे। जज साहब और डॉक्टर साहिबा लड़के वालो के लिए तोहफा लेने गए और बेटी को अपने छोटे भाई विजय के साथ इमरान के घर जाने को कहा। अनीता और विजय, इमरान के घर पहुँच गये। सब लोग बेसब्री से अनीता के माता-पिता का इंतज़ार कर रहे थे। वे दोनों तोहफा लेकर लड़के वालो के घर पहुंचे। तोहफा देखते ही सब लोग उठ खड़े हुए क्योंकि तोहफे के रूप में वे एक कुत्ता लाये थे। जिसको उनने इमरान के पिता के हाथ में यह कहते हुए थमा दिया "लीजिये हमारी तरफ से यह इमरान नाम का कुत्ता स्वीकार कीजिये"। अनीता अपने माता पिता की ये यह नीच हरकत को बर्दाश ना कर सकी और उसने आत्महत्या करली। डॉक्टर गोडबोले ने अपनी बेटी की आत्महत्या को खून का मामला सिद्ध करवा दिया और जज साहब ने इमरान को गिरफ्तार करवा दिया। 

*एक सच्ची घटना पर आधारित।