Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Horn OK Please!

Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction and is meant only for entertainment. Do not take it seriously. Doing so might be injurious to your mental health.

Honking is frustrating. It has been pissing Indian people since 'Maruti 800' started running on empty roads. It has caused more damage than accidents. It owns credit to many relationship failures and broken ribs. We must not forget to acknowledge this 'kind act' for making people deaf. It has snatched the right to breathe from many people lying on the hospital bed. It has stabbed the piece of mind people had in the times of bicycle.

Apart from robbing the peace of our roads. It has also started creating large scale unemployment now. Yes! unemployment, Can you guess the name of the industry worst hit by 'Horn Ok Please'? It is our dear 'Begging Industry' harmless to the citizens yet prominent and self sustaining. In an interview with Master Chintu, star corespondent of Voice Notes. Miss Bholi Banjaran, Beggars Association of India (B.A.I), Spokesperson and Head of Delhi Region said
"I condemn Honking and I keep it in the list of most atrocious acts. It has not just irritated us but affected our profession. We have lost many of dear employees to ENT specialist. Honking basically disturbs the functioning of the begging systems, which results into lack of revenue generation leading to cost cutting and unemployment.
When interrupted and asked, How honking actually affects them? She said.
"Honking disturbs the field artists (employees/beggars). They loose focus and have great difficulties in finding their prey. It spoils the mood of their potential clients. Honking is not good for generous people, even great philanthropist tend to loose their generosity. At times noise levels are so high that it becomes practically impossible to communicate. Poor beggars fail to gain the empathy and their performance is immensely deteriorated. If present trends continue then B.A.I. might have to shut down their multi-million dollar business."

In an attempt to save their dying baby. B.A.I has proposed a series of 4 punishments to eradicate the menace of honking. They want intelligent sensors (capable of doing anything and everything) to be installed in all the vehicles which will work under the command of the B.A.I's senior officials.
  1. Equal & Opposite: It is solely based on Newton's third law of motion i.e. every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The entire amount of unnecessary noise created by a vehicle will be diverted directly into the ears of its creator.
  2. Wet it: Wherein the pants/lowers of the offender will be made wet with a special kind of distilled water which will take atleast 3 hours to vanish from the pants completely. 
  3. Heavenly perfume: A perfume made up of odor from worst farts and shit will be sprinkled over the offender and his nostrils will be put to a test for 6 hours.
    #As our Hindi Movies have taught us. A villain never gets more than 3 chances. B.A.I has devised the fourth punishment in such a way that it will trouble the fool till he begs to fall in line.
  4. Suck it: Intelligent sensors will be ordered to snatch all the money and empty the fuel tank every time an offender crosses a red light. This punishment will continue as long as the offender can afford it. In order to get rid of this deadly spell. The person will have to submit a written apology in the regional office of B.A.I. He will have to serve the B.A.I for 7 days along with other beggars, to complete his/her punishment.

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    This article might not stop Honking but cautious efforts and creating awareness will. Lets pledge to empathize and honk sensibly. Kindly comment and share the article. It will motivate me to continue my journey.

    Keep Reading!
    Shubham Gune